Today in class, we were asked to site a situation where we felt our mom’s magnificent love. I cannot think of any. Or that maybe my story is too simple, too shallow. All I could think of is when I was in this little accident way back when I was a little girl. Mama was overreacting at my head injury yelling at my dad to rush me to the hospital. Should I tell this or not?
Our professor asked for volunteers instead as the time won’t allow if all of us would share.
I realized that I saw my mom with all their mommy stories. I saw my mom as the anxious mother who does not go to the hospital when a family member is sick, who does not give a sign of worry when something is wrong but instead keeps everything all to herself.
I saw my mom as the giving mother. One who attends to her child’s needs and doesn’t say no even if she has nothing anymore.
I saw my mom as the mother whom you could rely on even at your darkest. One who would never question you as to why you got pregnant but instead cry in front of you and ask why you kept the pregnancy for six months when you should have told her the moment you knew it. Then later tell you to visit the doctor for a check up the next day because she cares for the baby, too.
I saw my mom as the mother who is strong and will do anything with all her might just to give her child “the life” even if she had to face death.
We all share the same experiences just in different lights and ways. Our moms are all these - selfless, caring, and strong. For me, mothers share these common traits because they are simply mothers, it’s in their nature to be that way.
“Sa araw-araw napagiging nanay ko, mas naa-appreciate ko yung mommy ko. Hindi mo maiintindihanang parents mo hangga’t di ka pa nagiging magulang.”
Love is still the same - looks the same, speaks the same, and acts the same. But the effect, no longer the same.
Love speaks, you are looking away. Love engages into a conversation, you are pushing Love away.
Realization kicks in and you know that you no longer love Love.
Here I am pondering while everyone’s asleep. I am protesting whether to get up and clean out my closet or get back to sleep which will again result to a very not productive day; similar things going on since the start of summer. Looking through Jeff Buckley’s book collection made me realize that I am not in this alone. That there are billions of people around the globe same age as mine going through this rough stage between puberty and adulthood - questioning my existence and purpose in life. During the past few years I feel like am alone with this hole.
Well I guess right now I should get up and clean out my messy closet and start to give up and give out things I don’t really need. It’s been over a month anyway since I last cleaned it. Even things needed to be given a break. It just takes action to do that. One big simple leap of my.. foot.
What you are building right now will what you be taking care of in the future.
I thought this depression in my blog has come to an end already. And that I said I want a fresh start. Life is really a roller coaster, we don’t know anything for sure. We don’t know what’s going to happen next, we don’t know what our next like or dislikes will be. Our last words are definitely not the last. We ought to do something more. We ought to taste and try something and then, the start of change.
Well I’m feelin’ a little depressed about something. Something that shouldn’t have said to me. Things that will surely hurt my feelings and definitely will not be gone off my system for a little amount of time, I say weeks. There are some things in life that should have not been said. I don’t want to waste my tear either though it felt like a breakup. My tears don’t deserve it, or rather, her.
It was the first time in my entire life that a person said that she just accompanies me/wants to be with me because she had no choice. She’s an actress, what more can I say. It came out of her mouth a few times when we were together. She fakes that she’s into something when really, she is not. She fakes the reaction and pretend like she is enjoying a conversation when really she is not interested. How could you, fake friend!
I’m known for being a friendly person, a person who doesn’t wanna be involved in a fight, a person who is a friend of all (according to my real friend). What did I do to her to treat me this way? It’s, by the way, my first time to encounter someone like her. I wonder if (if they are a lot) people like her still call someone as a real friend, you know, if what they do is always treat every person they meet as not real friends and just use them because of being too ambitious.
The worst thing that happened here is that I fell for her. I don’t wanna elaborate this more but the first thing that came into your mind when you read this sentence, that’s it. It’s true!
This happening led me into questioning my friends who I consider and call as my "real friends," are they real or are they just like her? Do I still have friends or it’s been and just me all along?
Lesson: Be careful when you are friends with an actor/actress. I’m not asking you to not be friends with them, but just don’t believe in every word they say. It may not be real after all. They are good in acting and so you should know that they might be doing/practicing their craft even in front of you.
It’s the start of the second semester in two days and it feels like the first day of school all over again. I’m feeling nervous and anxious about it. But part of me thinks that I am just feeling that way because I am excited to be productive again.
Four years have gone to waste and I want this to end already. I want to finally graduate and start working in order to have my own place, my own car, and a lot of owned things all because of my independence. But if I have to attend the European school fair on Tuesday, maybe I won’t work immediately after I graduate, maybe I will take my masters in Europe, somewhere in France and spend another four years speaking French and living like French. Living in a strange country has always been my dream. I know it’s hard but I am after the experience and growth that will make me the improved version of my current self.
I love thinking of the future, of what it will offer me. Will I have a good life or not? My English teacher in senior high school once said, "If you want to be a somebody, you will be a somebody. But if you think that you will be a nobody, you will be a nobody." Our future depends on us. It depends on how we visualize ourselves.
It is simply like this: You will become the person who you want to be.
It’s been awhile since I’ve last written here. I feel like I am ignoring you. But what I really feel is that, I think I don’t have time to write anymore. I was lost. I totally forgot what this blog is supposed to be doing - to share my everyday life with the people I know and to those who may accidentally stumble you, Jenny’s Closet, in the web.
This year has been very busy for me because of school. But I’m really glad to announce that I have achieved something again because of exerting my efforts fully on school work. Prioritizing is the right term. What it brought me are the grades that I deserve and I am rightfully happy about it. I almost got a perfect final grade in my favorite course last semester. It’s just that there are times when we expect too much and it just brings us down in the end. But lucky for me, it was just the right amount of disappointment and I accepted it right away. Grade is just a number anyway, it’s just like money. What’s more important is that I was surrounded by people whom I can refer to as friends and the experience and learnings that we shared together in order to fulfill something.
Well I think I’d like to start over in this blog. I need it. I missed jotting down my thoughts. I can’t even write in my online dream journal. I’m missing a lot of things, a lot of memories that I know in time will be useful. So starting tomorrow, I am pledging to blog again and ignore my laziness. Because being lazy is almost the same as being selfish. And I don’t wanna be selfish.
Thank you dear readers for sticking around! I’m here again to share you everything that I will cross path with every day - from the new people I will meet and those little things that will bring about happiness in my life.
For now, please check out my Instagram web profile. It’s just the only place where I am active. I hope you will enjoy my photos!
Tomorrow’s a new day, tomorrow’s a fresh start for me! Come join me as I continue to explore. I want you to be a part of it.